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| I was thinking about the situation that Krissy and I have been, something I find myself thinking about pretty much everyday. It has been just about a year know since I had to leave Krissy in Canada and while we are in the final stages we have no concrete date or even an idea of when this will end. Throughout this year I have been struggling with how to react and deal with this. How does a Christian deal with trials? While I know the typical answer, how does it actually work. Especially when it is the kind of trial that can shake your faith, that can wear you out emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, not to mention the kind that drags out for a year with no definite end in sight. I have known Christians who had had to deal with sickness and whatnot for years and often wondered how I would handle such things.trying to find the balance is the real struggle, but then that is how it is with most things in this world.
So I was at work the other night and I found my mind wandering to this and that, eventually finding it's way to the Thief on the Cross. It is interesting how my mind went there but that is for another time. I was thinking about the thief and how he was forgiven and basically the last moment and he is in heaven right now. While there are many ways to describe God at that moment I was reminded that God is a god that redeems. He redeems people mainly, but also places, situations and eventually this planet. And this lead me to think about my situation that I face now, knowing that God will redeem it somehow, but I realized that part of me did not want God to redeem it.
This seems odd I know, let me try and explain. While some of my reasoning is selfish and prideful, the other is more from a desire for truth. One of my pet peeves is when we play off situations as not that big of a deal when it is, we should be truthful about our struggles and whatnot. In my mind if God redeems this that means I cannot say anything bad about it. This ties into my selfish reasoning, if God redeems this then I cannot hold onto it. Same as the thief on the cross, his being redeemed means that all his wrong cannot be counted against him, anyone that has a grievance against him can no longer bring him before God for judgment. His wrongs have been paid for. So if this situation is redeemed I cannot bring it before God and say "look at this, do something about it". This means I have to let go, I have to give up my right for judgement and vengeance. I cannot drag this thing around like a piece of meat that I pull out and gnaw on for awhile, gross picture I know, but then that is how it is.
I find when one has thoughts not fully formed and whatnot it is best to talk it out with someone, for me it is best to talk with Krissy. (for those that read her blog, this is the conversation he referenced in her last blog) As I talked with Krissy I realized that I can be true to the situation and still let go of my angry and hate(which is good in avoiding the Dark side;)). This requires a change in my thinking and my mind set. I can look forward and have hope that this will be over and God will bring good out of it, and maybe a blessing or two;) I can also be true to the situation, in that this is the closest I'll ever get to hell, thank God. So I continue to try and find the balance, I find that my outlook is much lighter since this revelation and reminder from God. I still have bad days were I miss Krissy so much it hurts, like literally hurts, and I imagine I will continue to have bad days now and then. But through it all I can have hope and joy in the truth of who God is and what He will do. Cause it is Him that I look to for deliverance, not the governments or visa people or lawyers.
So I hope I was able to explain myself. If there is anything unclear please let me know. I post this because it is something that God relieved to me and I hope it can bring some encouragement to others. Also if I am off in my thinking I hope my friends will point it out:) My apologies to those that my be tired of hearing about Krissy and I being apart and us dealing with it, trust me we are far more tired of the situation itself. P.S.Awesome show:D | | |
| So I was supposed to read this passage in my quiet time on Sunday, but did not get around to it till last night. Thought I would share it. This pretty much is what I am going through. Psalm 77 1My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud;
My voice rises to God, and He will hear me.
2In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
In the night my hand was stretched out without weariness;
My soul refused to be comforted.
3When I remember God, then I am disturbed;
When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint. Selah.
4You have held my eyelids open;
I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5I have considered the days of old,
The years of long ago.
6I will remember my song in the night;
I will meditate with my heart,
And my spirit ponders:
7Will the Lord reject forever?
And will He never be favorable again?
8Has His lovingkindness ceased forever?
Has His promise come to an end forever?
9Has God forgotten to be gracious,
Or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? Selah.
10Then I said, "It is my grief,
That the right hand of the Most High has changed."
11I shall remember the deeds of the LORD;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.
12I will meditate on all Your work
And muse on Your deeds.
13Your way, O God, is holy;
What god is great like our God?
14You are the God who works wonders;
You have made known Your strength among the peoples.
15You have by Your power redeemed Your people,
The sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
16The waters saw You, O God;
The waters saw You, they were in anguish;
The deeps also trembled.
17The clouds poured out water;
The skies gave forth a sound;
Your arrows flashed here and there.
18The sound of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
The lightnings lit up the world;
The earth trembled and shook.
19Your way was in the sea
And Your paths in the mighty waters,
And Your footprints may not be known.
20You led Your people like a flock
By the hand of Moses and Aaron. Enough said I think:) | | |
| I am not ok, I have not been ok since October, and I will continue not being ok until this matter of my wife having to live in another country is settled. So at this point I would like to apologize, I'm going on a bit of a rant here and sometimes it seems like this is all I talk about, so if you would like to skip this part I totally understand. I just need to get this out, maybe I'll be able to understand it more fully and there by better deal with it.
So as I said before I am not ok, so for those that may ask how I am at some point in the near future you will know the answer ahead of time. I do not say this to discourage those that wish to inquire on my well being, I do in fact appreciate it. I simply want to prepare you and I just want to make sure that I am being honest, while I may say "I'm ok," or "I'm alright" this is with a mental reservation. I want you to understand that the normal idea of "ok" is not what I mean, "ok" for normal people would be that they are doing perfectly well or maybe have an issue or two like being tired or the weather is not quite what they wanted. My version of "ok" is with the mental reservation that I am ok because I am breathing, because I am able to move around, because I have not cried recently or gone insane. So I am ok all things considered but I am far from ok in the normal sense. For those that are married you may be able to imagine my situation and understand, for those that are single and I might even say dating, sorry but you simply can't. Let me give you a picture(oh and krissy feel free to add or correct anything), it is like some tore your body literally in half, like someone came up and tore an arm and leg off, plucked out an eye and cut off an ear and said "there you go, deal with it, oh and I'll give this back to you but I wont tell you how long it will be". Too dramatic? Think I am exaggerating? Maybe I am, but not really. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING that I would take joy or pleasure in is cut to half, even my video games:) Also on the other end everything that may be difficult or tiring is twice as hard. And while some may say "you've made it this long, what's a bit longer" I would like to hit these people, sorry, but again, not understanding. It is like wearing the one ring so long that every day becomes a weariness(for those that don't know this is from Fellowship of the Ring, the book)
Now the other side of this is God and his power working through me. At times I have had joyous and fun moments, even times when I have had a great sense of peace or contentment. But through all that, my situation is still in the back of mind. This is something I have struggled with, shouldn't I be like Paul and be able to be content in any situation? Through Christ that strengthens me? I think that I would point out that Paul was probably not too happy during his flogging, stoning, various beatings and other persecutions. I think (and if you are still reading at this point I invite your input) that it is ok to not be ok. I do not want to cheapen this experience by saying it is not a big deal or that with God this will not trouble me at all. I want to appreciate this for the crap o crap time that it is, I want to be truthful. Now for those from Prairie you may know of a saying that goes something to the effect of keeping balanced. This is my task, on the one hand I want to be truthful about the hurt and pain and loss that I am experiencing and on the other I want to be truthful about God's grace. Now having said all this I do not want people walking on eggshells around me or giving me piteous looks, this would do nothing but anger me. I also don't want people to not ask how I am doing, I think the main point of this is to get it out on "paper" for me and also just to let you know really how I am. God is good, I will get through this, Krissy will get through this, God will do something amazing and wonderful out of all of this. But, I hate this, I think I will always look upon this as a dark and dreadful time, and I think that is ok. I know that God is keeping me alive and sane through this, but I can still not like it. If anyone thinks I am wrong please give me input, really, if I am off in my thinking I want to know it. Ok that is enough of that I think. Random Thought, So I was thinking about money the other day, I was thinking about how several of my problems could be solved with large sums of money. This lead to the thought/saying that Money cannot solve all your problems. This brought The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe movie scene to mind (stay with me). Right before Peter and the army of Aslan goes into battle they get a report that the opposing army as numbers that are far greater than their own. At this the Centaur next to Peter encourages him with "Numbers do not win a battle" Peter's reply and mine as well to the money does not solve all your problems is "No, but I bet they help":) Random Quote, Have not done this in a while, but see if you can guess where this quote is from
"You had to kill him, the boy cries you a sweater of tears...and you kill him. How can you live with yourself"
As always bonus points if you can also name the character. P.S. Have not seen the new Transformers yet, but I am looking forward to it;) | | |
| I miss singing, back at prairie I would have a lesson every week plus practicing and whatnot. Since then I have not had the chance much, except the normal of course. I have taken to singing in the car lately, singing to various songs on my mp3. There is a saying about singing, something about you bear your soul when you sing, kind of a neat idea. Signing can be a very vulnerable thing to do, it is emotional and can convey truth, truth about yourself. I find this to be true for me and somewhat cathartic as I belt out whatever song comes about. It becomes even more so as I find songs that are true about how I feel or are true about my situation.
I wonder if this theory can be applied to fighting. I think of the quote that I have had on my xanga site forever, from the matrix about how you do not truly know someone until you fight them. In that kind of fight or sparring it would seem to me that it would be hard to not be truthful about the kind of person you are. In that moment you would show if you were hateful or merciful, ir you took joy in causing pain or if you fought only cause you had to. Interesting to think about, at leat for me, maybe you think I am just talking crazy, that is ok too:) So for those of you that have not heard I have joined up with AMTC. This is a company that basically introduces actors, models, singers and the like to the entertainment industry. They hold a conference type thing in Florida where they have tons of agents and cast directors and whatnot come and watch you audition. I am set to go in January, until then they help you prepare with monologues and head shots and all that good stuff. They have been around for about 27 years or so and the head lady became a christian a couple years ago. Since then they have become a christian company, emphasizing being a witness and a light in the entertainment world. That is what I see myself doing and part of the reason I believe God is calling me to be an actor. So come January I'll hopefully have an agent and all that good stuff. Krissy still is not down, not sure how much longer, we got word of a possible 3-5 months, this is pretty much unacceptable. Pray that it will be much much much much shorter. Tired now, must rest. P.S. I Love Seinfeld:) | | |
| Another birthday is here, was nice to see my facebook full of birthday wishes, and once again I find myself in Canada for it. Krissy and I have been out here in Vancouver since saturday and I have to say that I hate the border these days. I was able to get across obviously but it wasn't without delay and a bunch of stupid questions, repeat questions, and people not listening... *sigh* Anyway I was able to get to the airport in plenty of time to pick up Krissy. I do not think I have the words to describe the anticipation while waiting for her flight to land (it was actually delayed a bit) and the incredible joy at seeing her and holding her in my arms once again. *good sigh*:) Krissy booked us a nice hotel and they even upgraded us which was cool, we are staying in room 1407, which is also our anniversary, thought that was pretty cool. Been able to walk to everywhere we needed or wanted to go, which is good but can be a little tiring.
Today we took a walk to sort of downtownish to listen to a celtic band play to kick off the celtic festival going on, unfortunately most of the events are on the weekend and we will be gone by then. Took a walk around the waterfront back to our hotel, had lunch at this cool burger place(not fast food) and spent the rest of the day relaxing and playing some video games (got little big planet for my b-day) and watching tv. We headed out to a pub later to catch more of the music and dance, but it was a bit to crowded so we decided on a more quiet evening together. I love that we both prefer the quiet small groups as opposed to large crowds.
It has been great to just spend time with my wife again, been on walks most everyday. We find we have our best talks when on a walk, we had one such talk the first full day we were here. It was a talk about the future, what we thought God would want us to do and where He would want us to go. After weighing various options and talking it out we decided... to go to Hollywood. I know, I know, sounds a bit crazy, but we honestly feel that that is what God wants and we cannot really see any other way. So when we say going to Hollywood, we mean that I will pursue an acting career in film and or tv. Krissy is not sure exactly what she will do, though I think she could purse an acting career as well, but she does not feel as inclined. So now we are praying for conformation and looking into the next step. Scary and crazy but exciting and oddly liberating.
Only a couple more days of paradise before I must travel back to the darkness that is Oregon, and I only say that because my wife is not there, I actually like Oregon and my family very much;) Friday we both head back to or respective parents house, Lord willing for not much longer. | | |
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